Time to start my list; it's growing longer and more specific.  Perhaps it's growing too long, but I don't usually have so many things I want to do during the summer - especially things that will push my limits and surpass my potential. Usually it's just hanging out with friends and family, but this year, ohhhhhhhhhhhh, it's good stuff.  Well, I think so haha. I'll post up the list when I can (okay Kimu? )

A thought occurred to me earlier, and that was how much of our lives do we spend waiting for something to happen? Or maybe waiting for someone to come along, and sweep us off our feet, saving us like your typical prince charming? It's not necessary the whole waiting for our prince to come along, but really, we sure do a whole lot of waiting around, expecting things to look up or turn up, so we can continue moving forward with our lives. Maybe that's not always the case for some people, they could be people who doesn't wait for no one and just continues breezing through life without a care in the world. I don't know really. I don't want to say that people who do not wait doesn't care to wait, maybe they're just going with the flow and not letting anything bother them as much as it bothers other people.

I know I wait, I get hold back by things, and times I let myself wait because I'm waiting for things to look better or waiting for me to be better before I can move on. Mm, but I'm also talking about how we wait for others, maybe to turn up for dinner or a movie, we wait for our exam results in our email inboxes, we wait to go to the toilet (HEHE, how true), we wait in line so we will be served next, we wait for our trains to come, we wait for our flowers and plants to grow, we wait for special days during the year, we wait for a lot of things, even subconsciously we wait for our yesterdays to not bother us anymore. We wait and once we've been shown the signal, only then do we move forward and continue whatever that's going on with our lives.

edit: I guess it's when we're waiting, we slow down our pace in life. We take the time to look around, to breathe in our world that is growing around us. We appreciate what's still with us, what we can still call our own, what stays with us as we wait for better days.We have time to familiarise ourselves with friends, reunite with family, with what kind of environment our lives are going to be taking place in now or next. Waiting is good because we can see the beauty in life better when we're not racing through our schedules of each day - we have time to accept the changes that are thrown at us (maybe not always) and be able to move on with a stronger heart ruling our minds. (That sentence makes sense to me, I don't know about you though =])

But you shouldn't wait forever, that's a big no no. Because if you do, nothing changes, except that you're getting older and time is running, always running out. That's a scary though huh, haha. So keep moving forward! But don't forget to take the time to smell the flowers, as they say. They smell good, believeeeeeee me! Maybe not always, but oh well, that's life.

***

Today I waited for time to pass so we could go to a family dinner celebrating Vinh and My birthdays. I waited for Danny to show up at the restaurant so I could be :). And moving along/ Dinner out with my sisters, theír boyfriends, little brother and my boyfriend was real nice. We dined at QuanJude, Vinh's choice, and ohmy the food was SO GOOD and the service was PROfessional. Wow, and the bill was NUTS. But it was a nice night out with everyone :) no parental supervision tonight. Though I wished I looked better in them photos (>_<)"

This is such a bold and broad question.

Are you happy, about what? Are you happy, about life? Are you happy about who you are? Are you happy about what you've achieved? Are you happy, about where you stand today? Are you happy, with me?

Are you happy?

It occurred to me that the first thing I thought about were things that I'm not happy about. Because, I guess that's easier - it's easier to look down than up, there's less effort involved. It's easier to fall down than to pick yourself up. Up, down, up and down again. It's easier to just stay down sometimes, especially when you're tired of trying to keep everything up, including yourself.

I started questioning if I was really happy with such a question being asked - because all that was wrong in the past, everything that has ever given me a scar that I will never recover from, was all I could think of. So many things to regret, the number of events in the past that still pains me to even remember, how the little nasty twists of fate can screw everything up and you're left standing there feeling vulnerable and alone, thinking why in the world could this happen to me. I can't deny that the past does still affect me, when I let my mind consume itself in the history of what my life used to be, how everything was, and how happy I used to be. It feels like nothing can ever compare to how I'd felt in the past, as if those happier days can ever be replaced. You question, why did these days get snatched away? And undergo such drastic and horrible changes that they've been inevitably altered, where they've become beyond recognisable to you? Then, you get upset, you get emotional because of what's been changed, because these days, they're not familiar to you anymore, how are you suppose to be happy with what it has become? And things go downhill, even further than you think was possible until you've hit rock bottom. And yet the pain, it doesn't stop there. You get used to looking down, and the meaning in hope starts leaking away every day that you continue to avoid the truth, avoid the present, avoid reality because you'd rather stick yourself back in the past - because nothing changes in the past. It's already happened, all that there was to feel has already been felt in the past but you can still look back and lose yourself in the moment again. To be happy or to be sad. It's easier, easier to remember than to forget.

If there was one thing that was easier to forget than to remember, it would be that you've forgotten to live.

I can say I've been there. Everyone has. That's what hitting rock bottom is really all about, right? You forget the present, and all that's around you, and you choose to remember the past. When I was asked this very question: Are you happy? I did recall reasons as to why I was not happy first. That's sad and very blind and selfish of me. Because I've forgotten that the past can't be changed, what's happened has happened. I can't do anything about it now. I did fall down, many times, but look at me today - I'm up and I'm still alive. I've picked myself up and here I am, living. At one point, no, scratch that, at many points of my life, I admit that I do forget that I'm still living, and I prefer to just stick myself right back to the bottom and sit there by choice - and mourn for the dead of yesterdays. I forget that life doesn't stop for no one - it moves on, it continues to move forward, and it's up to you to keep up or you'd be left behind. I've been left behind before, either because of life changing itself too fast for me to adjust, or because I've given up trying to stay on track, to go with the flow. You feel sad, you exclude yourself from others, you prefer to be alone and you cry. You do whatever you need to do so that you can feel you've had enough, and that's when you can start being happy again. You begin to feel grateful again of what you still have, who you still can depend on and where you stand today for yourself and for others.

After overcoming the reasons why I'm not happy, I kicked all those thoughts out, and drew the line. I'm tired of living in the past, especially for the last couple of days. I don't even know why I chose to start thinking up the past recently, but I'm glad I'm drawing the line to end it now. It's not only not healthy for my thinking and emotional state, it's also not fair for those who continue to be here for me today, and it's unfair on myself. I've come this far, I've moved forward, and beyond my own potential I've achieved things I didn't think I could have. What is seriously the point in looking back. The only good thing about looking back is knowing exactly how far you've come, all the mistakes you've learned from and feeling proud of yourself. You deserve to stand tall and proud. I deserve to stand tall and proud. And I deserve to be happy.

So, am I happy?

Yeah  No doubt about it, I'm happy. I forget sometimes why but at the end of the day, such like today, I remember my reasons to be happy, and you should remember yours too.

***

Excuse my essay, I guess I had a lot to say today.

Now that it's out, I feel better and relieved. I know all this, and should do my best to remember. What keeps me going really is hoping that everything happens for a reason. And knowing that I'm never really alone at all in this big world. I've got great friends and sisters to catch me if I choose to fall or if life pushes me down unexpectedly. And I'll be keeping my chin up til then. Thank you loves, I hope my gratefulness towards you shows through my corny words. I wouldn't be here without you. Cross my heart and hope to die.